Dear Dad

Dear Dad, I can’t believe you’ve been gone a whole year already. I’ve been thinking about you so much these past few days, remembering so many details of this weekend a year ago, not realizing then that they would be my last memories of you this side of heaven. The theme of the last 365 days has been a very hard beautiful: this year has brought deeper pain than I’ve ever experienced, but these days have also brought peace I cannot explain and growth that probably would not have come any other way.

I’ve recognized God’s compassion toward you in not allowing you to suffer, even though I hate the way He took you from this earth. I’ve seen His grace toward me in taking you home before caring for you took everything out of me. While there are maddening mysteries that remain unsolved, I’ve learned to trust in God’s sovereignty even when I can’t understand it. I’ve learned that to grieve hard means that I feel deeply…and that means that I live and love abundantly. I’ve learned what it looks like to grieve well, allowing myself to rest and receive from my heavenly Father and others who love me. Kenny and I have worked very hard to honor you even in your death, and I am completely confident that you are proud of not only how we handled everything required of us, but that you are especially proud of the way God has brought us together, uniting our families in the unbreakable bond that has forged between us. Your legacy lives on.

God has used this time of grief and loss to restore joy and bring freedom my heart has never known before. Giving of myself in caring for you has prepared me to give of myself in the new ways God is calling me to. I’m so thankful for those months that I could love you and serve you so tangibly, acting as the hands and feet of Jesus to you. It made it that much harder to lose you, but I wouldn’t trade that time for the world. I hope you can see the ways we all still try to honor you. I hope you can hear the stories and memories we share about you. I hope you can know the ways we are carrying on the family name and legacy. I’m so grateful for your life. And I’ve grown so much through your loss. I love you and miss you so much. It makes me sad that you’re not here. But I cannot be sad about the fact that you are with Jesus. I often wonder what you’re experiencing up there in heaven. I imagine the family reunion and you telling stories about the grandkids your parents never got to meet. I envision glorious gardens full of vibrant colored flowers and rushing blue waterfalls and the radiance of God’s glory shining with absolute brilliance. I see your piercing blue eyes once dulled by the pain of this broken world eternally dancing with life and joy and peace. And today, you have experienced your first of ten thousand years (and then forevermore) singing praises with the angels in eternal celebration. I look forward to seeing you again, but there’s still work God has for me to do here. And while I do that, I will continue to celebrate your life and carry on your legacy. Oh Dad, I love you.