Blog
Dear Dad
Dear Dad, I can’t believe you’ve been gone a whole year already. I’ve been thinking about you so much these past few days, remembering so many details of this weekend a year ago, not realizing then that they would be my last memories of you this side of heaven. The theme of the last 365 days has been a very hard beautiful: this year has brought deeper pain than I’ve ever experienced, but these days have also brought peace I cannot explain and growth that probably would not have come any other way.
Fresh Waves
Those of you following my grief journey may know that a few weeks ago I closed on my dad’s house. This was a last big thing included in my realm of responsibilities as executor of his estate. To say it was bittersweet would be an understatement. While it was another powerful reminder of the reality I face, it was also freeing in a strange sort of way, like the closing of a chapter. And I felt like I now had permission (whose, I’m not sure) to begin moving forward.
Making Space To Receive Grace
So tired. Utterly exhausted. Emotionally spent. It’s been 34 days. And I’m realizing that this body and soul fatigue is not just about grief. It’s about the fact that life keeps right on moving. It doesn’t offer any time to process what’s happened, no time to catch my breath or adjust to this new normal. So I’ve been trying to navigate these deep waters as I also try to keep up with the responsibilities of being a wife, mom, employee, ministry leader, sister, daughter, friend. The truth is that I feel like I’m drowning. It may look on the outside like I’m keeping my head above water, but on the inside I’m taking in water and flailing wildly, and most people don’t even notice.
Satisfied And Sheltered By The Most High
As soon as I read the title of the funeral message, I knew it was perfect: Satisfied and Sheltered by the Most High. In the midst of all that was happening in the earthly realm, I imagined what was simultaneously happening in the spiritual realm at the moment of death. I envision Jesus waiting at heaven’s gate, knowing exactly when Dad would arrive. In an instant, I see God the Father taking Dad into His arms in full embrace, holding him tightly to His chest. I hear Him whisper, “Welcome home, son.” I see Jesus bearing his full weight, just as He did on the cross, when Dad collapses in relief and rest, fully alive, satisfied and sheltered by the Most High God.