Fresh Waves

Those of you following my grief journey may know that a few weeks ago I closed on my dad’s house. This was a last big thing included in my realm of responsibilities as executor of his estate. To say it was bittersweet would be an understatement. While it was another powerful reminder of the reality I face, it was also freeing in a strange sort of way, like the closing of a chapter. And I felt like I now had permission (whose, I’m not sure) to begin moving forward.

I’ve noticed in these weeks that I’ve been especially emotional, moved to tears (both happy and sad) even more than normal. I’ve been unusually aware of the tenderness of my own heart and reminded that to feel deeply is a sign of being fully alive. But it wasn’t until I listened to a conference speaker talking about the scars of suffering leading to future glory that I began to understand that the tears rolling down my cheeks were a fresh wave of grief. At some point along this journey I had built a wall or a protective shield to fortify me, to preserve me; to strengthen me to bear the weight of responsibility required of me. I didn’t even know it was there until I felt it fall right there in that conference room, along with a fresh wave of tears. It was a new wave, different somehow. I can’t adequately explain it with words, but it was pure, undiluted, and so personal. I was no longer the person to handle everything, making decisions and fulfilling executive responsibilities. That part was over. In that moment, it struck me that now I am simply a girl who’s lost her dad, a dad she loves more deeply and misses so much more than she ever imagined she could.

Honestly, it scares me to think that I’m now 10 months into this journey and still discovering waves so fresh, almost like it’s happening all over again. But it’s really just silly to think that 10 months is sufficient to grieve the loss of someone who was part of my entire life. I just pray that I will continue to let the waves wash over me, feeling them fully, as hard as that might be. I want to grieve well, allowing the scars of suffering to be used by God for His glory. So I keep riding the waves, remembering that even though death comes, to feel deeply is to be fully alive.