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Fresh Waves
Those of you following my grief journey may know that a few weeks ago I closed on my dad’s house. This was a last big thing included in my realm of responsibilities as executor of his estate. To say it was bittersweet would be an understatement. While it was another powerful reminder of the reality I face, it was also freeing in a strange sort of way, like the closing of a chapter. And I felt like I now had permission (whose, I’m not sure) to begin moving forward.
The Journey Continues…
“Then sings my soul, my Savior, God to Thee…” I had barely gotten through the first line of that song when the tears started to come. Quickly recognizing the song as one we sang at my dad’s funeral, one of my boys whispered, “Did you bring any tissues?” They know me too well. I almost always get emotional during Sunday morning worship. But today the tears flowed fast, hard, and without restraint.
Making Space To Receive Grace
So tired. Utterly exhausted. Emotionally spent. It’s been 34 days. And I’m realizing that this body and soul fatigue is not just about grief. It’s about the fact that life keeps right on moving. It doesn’t offer any time to process what’s happened, no time to catch my breath or adjust to this new normal. So I’ve been trying to navigate these deep waters as I also try to keep up with the responsibilities of being a wife, mom, employee, ministry leader, sister, daughter, friend. The truth is that I feel like I’m drowning. It may look on the outside like I’m keeping my head above water, but on the inside I’m taking in water and flailing wildly, and most people don’t even notice.
Satisfied And Sheltered By The Most High
As soon as I read the title of the funeral message, I knew it was perfect: Satisfied and Sheltered by the Most High. In the midst of all that was happening in the earthly realm, I imagined what was simultaneously happening in the spiritual realm at the moment of death. I envision Jesus waiting at heaven’s gate, knowing exactly when Dad would arrive. In an instant, I see God the Father taking Dad into His arms in full embrace, holding him tightly to His chest. I hear Him whisper, “Welcome home, son.” I see Jesus bearing his full weight, just as He did on the cross, when Dad collapses in relief and rest, fully alive, satisfied and sheltered by the Most High God.
The Journey Begins
Can I just be real here? Wait, let me rephrase- I am going to be real here…this whole grief thing – it just sucks! There’s no getting around that, no way to sugar coat the depth of pain I feel in losing my dad. Authenticity is a big deal to me, so to walk through something like this feeling like I have to have “the good Christian” answer or the “right” response is simply not going to cut it. I have to say what I feel and allow myself to actually feel it.
Tribute To My Dad
I lost my dad a week ago. These past several days have been a blur, and my mind is in a fog. I’ve known for a while now that I would want to speak at his service. But when the idea of doing so became a reality, I didn’t know what to say. Thoughts and memories flooded my mind as I remembered and reminisced with family and friends. In the twelve hours before the service, I sat before the Lord and begged Him to bring it together for me…