Making Space To Receive Grace
So tired. Utterly exhausted. Emotionally spent. It’s been 34 days. And I’m realizing that this body and soul fatigue is not just about grief. It’s about the fact that life keeps right on moving. It doesn’t offer any time to process what’s happened, no time to catch my breath or adjust to this new normal. So I’ve been trying to navigate these deep waters as I also try to keep up with the responsibilities of being a wife, mom, employee, ministry leader, sister, daughter, friend. The truth is that I feel like I’m drowning. It may look on the outside like I’m keeping my head above water, but on the inside I’m taking in water and flailing wildly, and most people don’t even notice.
Fortunately, a few brave souls have taken time to see beyond the surface to the fierce current that threatens to pull me under; a few who hear my silent gasps for air and are not afraid to jump into the roaring waves with me and extend a lifeline. They hold me up. They listen to me, hearing even the words I’m afraid to speak: that I don’t feel like it’s okay to not be okay; that I don’t want to appear incompetent; that I don’t want to disappoint; that I feel selfish in wanting some time, some space, some grace; that it’s so hard for me to receive because I’m a giver, I’m a doer. As a believer, that’s how I’m supposed to live because that’s how Jesus lived…right?
Grief and fatigue, especially when mixed together, tend to warp our sense of reality. Yes, as followers of Christ, we are to live like Jesus lived. And yes, Jesus gave sacrificially, ultimately unto death. But Jesus was also God in the flesh. I am not. You are not. And we fail to remember that even while He was completely divine, Jesus rested. Jesus made a practice of getting up early to spend quiet time with His Father. He also regularly removed Himself from the masses to pray and be renewed. He made space to receive extra measures of grace from His Father. Jesus also wept. He felt the pain of loss even though He knew death was not permanent. This is of great comfort to me as I struggle to feel in my heart the truth I know in my head.
One of my “in the waves with me” friends pushed me to take some time off work; time to set aside the normal responsibilities and plans of the week and give myself space… to rest, to begin healing, to write, to do something simply because I enjoy it…to give myself space to give myself grace and to allow myself to receive it. And because I knew she’d hold me to it, I actually did it! I spent most of these days completely by myself. I took time to journal my thoughts about some hard decisions I have to make, which brought great clarity and freed my mind for other things. I sat still before God; I made space to hear Him speak. He gave opportunity for me to pour out of my emptiness into my daughter, who is also in the midst of this emotional chaos. God used my words to her to convict my own heart. I want to be a healthy example to her of what it looks like to walk out the hard and holy things of life. And because of that I accept that sometimes I have to do what’s best for me, for my well-being, even when that feels selfish and when no one else understands.
I also gave myself grace- grace to nap every day. Grace to buy myself chocolate. Grace to treat myself to lemon rice soup (my favorite!). I got my hair colored. I played the piano. I caught up on the two TV shows that I actually watch, and did a little binge watching of an old favorite. I sang at the top of my lungs at a worship event while the tears poured from my eyes. Soul-cleansing and refreshing for sure, but it’s also given me space to feel and begin to face the ache of loss deep in my heart. What a great blessing this has been! I know the journey is far from over. It scares me to know that the waves will continue crashing in, some days knocking me off my feet. But I’m assured to know that I’m connected to the Lifeline. And I have friends who will push me to keep making space to receive grace.
