The Journey Begins
Can I just be real here? Wait, let me rephrase- I am going to be real here…this whole grief thing – it just sucks! There’s no getting around that, no way to sugar coat the depth of pain I feel in losing my dad. Authenticity is a big deal to me, so to walk through something like this feeling like I have to have “the good Christian” answer or the “right” response is simply not going to cut it. I have to say what I feel and allow myself to actually feel it.
Seven days ago I spoke at my dad’s service and laid his body to rest. Our family stood in the gentle rain as if God was weeping right there with us, pouring out His Holy Spirit over us as a reminder of His presence. Six days ago I woke up having to face my new reality: Dad’s chair was empty, his TV silenced, his pills untouched, his house completely still. Five days ago I wept as I worshiped, singing words I believe with all my heart, yet feeling so far away from those truths. Four days ago I went back to work because life keeps moving and ministry seasons are starting whether I’m ready or not. Three days ago I stood in front of a hundred women and talked about how much we need one another and the importance of abiding in Christ, aware of that need like never before. Two days ago brought death certificates and phone calls I dreaded having to make. Yesterday I was physically sitting at my desk at work; emotionally curled into a ball hiding under my desk and away from the world; and spiritually trying to find peace. Today I sit in silence for the first time, my body fighting to keep busy, my mind flooded with thoughts, my heart just.so.sad.
People ask, “What do you need? Please let me know if there’s anything I can do.” I appreciate that, I really do. To be honest though, I have no idea what I need. I’m just trying to put one foot in front of the other right now. Friends say, “How are you?” I’ll probably shrug my shoulders. I might say I’m okay. What I really want to say is that I’m struggling. It’s not well with my soul…well, it IS, but it surely doesn’t FEEL well with my soul at this moment.
I’m hurting. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m exhausted. I’m overwhelmed by the thought of all that’s still to come. I’m in a fog. I want answers. I want to scream into my pillow and pound my fists into something, anything. I want to fall into a heap of gut-wrenching sobs. My heart has never physically hurt like this before. And I am not trying to be dramatic about this….this is the real deal. This is grief. Those who have walked this journey know exactly what I’m talking about. It is a journey…and this is only the beginning.
I know with absolute certainty the promise of heaven; the assurance of eternal life. But I don’t feel it yet. I can’t bring myself to celebrate that just yet. I know that strength will rise, but right now I’m fallen at His feet, begging Him to intercede on my behalf. I know that joy is coming, but quite frankly, it ain’t here yet…
Yet, God is holy. Yet, God is still good. I know He is present in this and sovereign over this and that His power will somehow be displayed through this. So I take the next step, one foot in front of the other, one moment at a time, walking this journey with complete confidence that I in life, like my dad in death, belong to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ.
